If you are standing single while keeping an open place for someone perfect, remember – true love may not be … [+]
You are single. You enjoy your independence. However somewhere in the background, there is an open space in your heart, reserved for someone. Their identity and arrival time remain unknown, but their presence feels safe. Meanwhile, the commitment lies in the length of the arm, always leaving room for the “right” person.
This subconscious tendency – maintaining space for a future partner by resisting real relationships – there is light on why some people, despite wanting love, never completely enter it. Likes like being in a relationship with a “ghost” plus-one, which takes up space but still does not exist.
Here’s what is promoting this model and how to get rid, according to the research.
1. The illusion of readiness: ‘I’m open … just not now’
Many people believe they are available for love when, in reality, they are in a constant state of training. They say to themselves:
- “I just have to work for myself a little more.”
- “I’ll start meeting seriously after I reach this milestone.”
- “I am open to love but only if that unquestioned fits into my life. ”
In the value of the face, these statements seem reasonable-personal growth and self-improvement are valid. But the problem arises when these excuses become a permanent state than a temporary phase.
A 2019 study For the willingness of commitment it shows that being in a relationship is not just about the boyfriend of commitment – is to be really ready to get involved in it. Readiness determines whether one will participate in the behaviors that hold love, such as self-disclosure, accommodation and sacrifice. Without it, even those who claim to want a relationship can fight to maintain one.
This is where the illusion of readiness becomes a trap. Keeping a mental reservation for a future partner creates the comforting feeling of being open to love, without the weakness of setting yourself there. But the truth is, the willingness not only “arrives” as it reaches a distant historical moment – develops through active participation. If you are always waiting for a future version of yourself to be “ready”, you can wake up one day realizing that you have never arrived.
2. Avoiding disguised as selectivity
The “ghost plus-one” effect often masks as high standards, but what seems to be a choice is often the avoidance of fear. One might say that they are waiting for the perfect adaptation, but in reality, they may be unconsciously protecting the dangers that true relationships bring – rejection, loss of independence or reappearing from the past.
A 2020 meta-analysis found that fear and anxiety reduce risk and increase risk perception. In other words, when people feel scared, they become very careful, noticing potential risks more alive than opportunities. In the world of meeting, this translates to the perception of defects as interruption of agreements, interpreting emotional investments as a threat or feeling paralyzed by the possibility of choosing the “wrong” person.
This explains why some people:
- Go on the date but always find a flaw in the other person.
- Feel excited about someone – until things get serious.
- Fanty for love, but hesitate to face real commitment.
So for many people, avoidance is not about high standards – it is about avoiding risk. Fear increases their perception of possible weaknesses, making relationships seem overwhelming. Holding an “open slot” for a forthcoming imaginary partner, they get the illusion of control – a way to stay hope for love without engaging in its perceived folly.
If you catch yourself by fixing small flaws in every possible partner, ask yourself: Am I really interested or protect myself from weakness? True connection requires danger, and perfection is a mirage that keeps love out of reach.
3. The comfort of an imaginary partner
For some, the most significant relationship in their lives is not with a real person – it is with an idealized future partner that exists only in their imagination. This ghost partner offers:
- A feeling of hope (“my person is there”)
- Shields against loneliness (“I am only for now but not forever”), and
- Preserves self -esteem (“I’m single by choice, not because I can’t find someone”).
However, as researching the Disney Love Stories, these romantic ideals can create a form of cruel optimism-a link to a fantasy that, instead of leading to happiness, actually impedes the real world’s bond.
For example, a 2017 study It shows that the love narratives led by the media, especially those in Disney films, encourage people to orient their happiness and self -esteem about an inaccessible romantic ideal.
For women in particular, researchers suggest that these stories limit their personal agency and promote “bride’s fabrications” – the belief that love must achieve without effort, perfectly and in a way that fulfills an idealized vision , but unstable of happiness.
Like these fabulous romances, an imaginary partner offers the illusion of emotional security without seeking the dangers of true intimacy. After all, a fantasy partner never argues, never disappoints and never requires emotional growth.
But here is catching: imaginary partners cannot challenge you, disappoint or require emotional growth, which is often part of being in a significant relationship. But the real ones do. The more someone invests in a future relationship, the more they can fight to engage with the current opportunities for relationships.
Living in a romantic fantasy creates an illusion of love without its reality. But true love is not built in day-to-day dreams built in real time, with real people.
4. The fear of making the ‘wrong’ choice
In a world with seemingly endless dating options, the fear of choosing the wrong partner can be paralyzing. For example, meeting applications create the illusion that someone better is always just a slide away, making the commitment feel dangerous.
This is a classic example of the paradox of choice– The more opportunities we have, the harder it becomes to feel satisfied with every single one. Instead of making a decision, many people continue to seek, convinced that they simply have not fulfilled the “perfect” match yet – but in reality, they can add love indefinitely.
A 2016 study published Media psychology It points out this dilemma: when people choose a partner from a large pool (eg 24 options) than a smaller (eg, 6 options), they tend to be less satisfied with their choice And more likely to guess it.
This dissatisfaction increases even stronger when they know that their choice is reversible, strengthening the idea that they must continue to look instead of investing in what they have found. The complete abundance of elections, rather than growing happiness, often leads to anxiety, regret and a reluctance to perform.
The problem with this approach is that relationships are not about finding a perfect person – they are to grow together. The happiest plasters are not necessarily those who found their “perfect” match, but those who built something significant with a person they deliberately chose.
Basically, love is not about saving a place for the right person. It is about sitting, becoming comfortable and allowing someone really to join you.
Do you feel satisfied in your relationships or are you expecting someone better to come together? Get supported by science The degree of satisfaction of the relationship to discover.